Yesterday, I wrote about a question I received via text on Sunday night during my message (even though we weren’t doing Q&A that night). The question was a good one – “How do you get to a place where you learn to trust other people when your past experiences have not produced trust, but rather an inability to trust? Not even (the ability to trust) with the people who can be trusted.”
Check out my post from yesterday if you missed it, but I wanted to share about trusting again today.
First, I think in this instance, we need to be clear on what we define as “trustworthy”. I would like to begin with this definition “fidelity + increasing intimacy + time = trustworthy”. If someone has been faithful with increasing intimacy over time, they are trustworthy. I think one trusts a friend the same way I got trained at Starbucks. One thing built on another, I took one piece of my role at a time. Over a period of a month or so, I learned all of the pieces of my role and I practiced that role with close supervision, so that now over four months later, there are very few things I need supervision in or need assistance with during the course of a regular shift.
Second, because no one is “instantly trustworthy”, we have to be patient and intentional. Over time, we “let people in.” I always struggled with friends in college who would quickly move from distant acquaintance to deep dark secrets between 10pm and 2am at Denny’s by themselves. I knew the kind of romantic relationships that took place there were destined for failure. Why? Because it was too much intimacy too fast. One of my friends was NOTORIOUS for starting relationships this way. And he became NOTORIOUS for being a serial dater. He left quite a wake in his past by the time he left our school after two years. When we begin to trust again, we must exercise restraint. Hold back some. We must be patient. Don’t give up easily. And intentional. Yes, there are moments where we are going to have to disclose details, share secrets, and let people in. And that moment will never not be scary and it will never not feel risky.
Third, remember that trusting others is always a choice. And its one that you have the power to make. Yes, fear and the memories of past experiences will always be present and their emotional power can always be a powerful thing. However, we have an opportunity to make the choice to give someone a chance to be a different person than all the others before them with gradually opening up. And I have been the person who lets someone be “that different person” and I have been the person that was allowed to be “that different person”. It is a powerful thing.
For whoever it was that sent the text, I have been praying for you this week that God would fill you with courage to move beyond the fear and choose with at least one person to begin giving them an opportunity to be a different person than those before. Take a step towards them. When you are in a situation that is appropriate, share a story about yourself that involves some risk. Make the choice. You can do it.
I like this series on trust and trustworthiness. I do have a comment and that’s what these are for, becoming instantly intimate can be a bridge burner and something that users do, but in some instances it is appropriate. For someone who has been burned in the past, or rather frequently, I think it is always good to err on the side of caution. However, I think as you open yourself up to God more and are following the path he has for you, you will find times that you are to open up yourself intimately to someone, and that someone may be a stranger. I think the difference is that it is for their sake and not to burden or unload on them. I think that is a part of growing and maturing in God and also as you learn to let go of the fear and trust God.
I could be way off base, but I think it’s true. I’ve seen it in my own life.
Scott,
I have to believe that trust is an element to age, geographic, culture, including our vocation. Please not I’m leaving spiritual trust to the last. As you mentioned, with one of your part time jobs is working at Starbucks and as you learn you job less supervision is required. On that note, I have employees who know how to do their jobs, however; I have to give at time micro-manage them because they can’t be trusted in the sense of job performance.
The young doesn’t trust the older generation and the older generation doesn’t trust the younger generation. If you live in an area that spotting the military presences is common place due to conflict embraced by death trust is outshouted by survival. Given to your race and the culture that you reside, because of your ethnic; trust is removed by color.
Recently at work, in part of a discussion I mentioned which church I attend. The response did surprise me, “I don’t trust churches and I trust pastors even less.” The Catholics don’t trust the Methodist, the Baptist don’t trust the Lutherans, in fact; Christians don’t trust Christians. Don’t even get me started on who trust the Muslins.
Trust is a liquid target…and more than once I’m asking myself, “Do I trust God’s promises?” If I’m suppose to trust God where is he when not just me, but others; who need his help the most?
Michael
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