“Dealing with burning issues without being rooted in a deep personal relationship with God easily leads to divisiveness because, before we know it, our sense of self is caught up in our opinion about a given subject. But when we are securely rooted in personal intimacy with the source of life, it will be possible to remain flexible without being relativistic, convinced without being rigid, willing to confront without being offensive, gentle and forgiving without being soft, and true witnesses without being manipulative.
For Christian leadership to be truly fruitful in the future, a movement from the moral to the mystical is required.”
-Henri Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus

It’s true. There are some nights when I go home to Dani, and I feel completely inadequate for what I do. I feel like I don’t have answers sufficient for the questions that are posed to me. I feel like I don’t have solutions for the problems I encounter. I feel that I don’t have power sufficient to change situations that are out of my control.

Those kinds of days, I fall into bed EXHAUSTED, wondering why God called me to this. Wondering how I got here. It’s not that I have to have all the answers or a 100% clarity on future direction or always be in control of every area of my life, all at one time. It’s just that some days it is really difficult to see how I didn’t just fail or blow it in those moments.

I pray. I seek God in the midst of that. I remember Scripture passages that I have committed to memory. But sometimes I still sense that I don’t measure up. Not measuring up to the impossible expectations of others – that cannot be a long-term concern of mine – but I am talking about not measuring up to the moment and space I find myself in. The conversation I am drawn into, the struggle someone seeks my help with. In those places, I am overwhelmed.

I love people. And their weight of their pain sometimes, unanswered questions (sometimes unanswerable questions), and the consequences of those struggles – they can break you at the deepest levels when you really do genuinely love and have compassion for people.

That’s my confession today. In the midst of that stuff, I feel very inadequate.

It’s true. More often than you would probably believe. There was a whole year (maybe a little more) when I was in seminary, when I didn’t want to read the Bible at all. I spent time in it for class, for curriculum development, and to work on talks for Crash. But I didn’t read it myself, for myself. I read it for others.

I started this journey called B90X with some friends at the beginning of September. In short, it’s insane. You read the Bible in 90 days. I have never heard of anything like it. So I wondered if it was possible. I did really well for the first 45 days (basically Genesis through Job), but recently I have stalled out. We should be starting the New Testament, and I am in Ecclesiastes. (for those of you who aren’t Bible experts, that’s WAY behind). I am taking a retreat later this week, so I am hoping to play some catchup, but I didn’t read for 2 solid weeks. Because I didn’t want to. I had friends reading with me. WI set up a blog for us to discuss what we were learning. And I still lost the fire.

I grew up in a home where my parents helped me understand the daily value of reading and meditating on Scripture. And for years, I have struggled with the lack of desire. I have wanted to wanted it. But I haven’t been able to make it happen. I have prayed and asked for the desire and nothing has happened.
There are a lot of days where I don’t want to read the Bible. Not like “I don’t want to eat my grandma’s lime green jello salad with cottage cheese and olives with pimentos”. Not like “I don’t want to save money instead of buying what I want”, but I put my debit card away.

I shared this once in a seminary class. And I struggle to remember an experience where I experienced more judgement and condemnation. It was as if I couldn’t be a minister or man following God’s calling and have this be happening in my life.

So, here I am. Imperfect pastor. Who struggles to want to read the Bible for himself. I don’t measure up to other’s expectations. But somehow in moments like these, I feel God’s love the most. Maybe it is when we come to the end of pretending and trying to do the right thing for the wrong reason, God says “I was wondering when you would give that up. I love you, even when you are ridiculous.”

I am a unique person and so are you. I can take a great deal of input, ask tons of questions, read multiple books at once, and keep my head above water in the midst of that. Not everyone can do this; some get overwhelmed with the questions and new content. They process more slowly, but maybe more intentionally.

In light of this, I decided to pull the reins back this week (and maybe next) and do something different. I will be sharing “Confessions of a Pastor”. I will be talking about how I struggle with what may seem like basic and elementary things.

I hope these posts are beneficial for a couple of reasons. I hope they help tear down more of the mask I have built (along with other pastors) that we have our stuff together and never struggle with things we should have down by now. I hope these posts also help you feel the freedom and trust to own and come to terms with your unique limps, destructive habits, hypocrisies, and stumblings.

In his epistle, James wrote, “Confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed.” As I shared on Sunday night at Crash, I pray that we can be healers for each other. Stay tuned.

So, I might have gone crazy gotten a little excited last night in my talk. Definitely a message that has been cooking up within me for months. I was encouraged by lots of conversations after, text messages, Facebook messages, etc.

I spoke out of Acts 15:1-21 and 1 Corinthians 10:23-11:1, sharing about Peter and Paul had life-changing experiences and then drew lines in the sand to say, “I will not allow new barriers to be built between people and God, when the barrier that was there has already been torn down.”

The podcast should be live here sometime tomorrow afternoon or evening.

In the meantime, here were some of my favorite parts of the evening:
-Loved the candlework of Ginnie Snead and Aleen McCulloch.
-Rocky Searan’s loops were a great part of the night – the guy has SKILLZ! Loved the loop on Tear Down the Walls the most.
-I realized in the middle of the first set of music that the entire set of music (4 songs) were all written by David Ellis – This Sound, Greater, Rescue, One Name. David, thank you for blessing our community with our gift. You honor us.
-Enjoyed the two part sermon and the energy in the room. Got a lot of response from the crowd during and after the service.
-I love helping people to laugh. Had fun telling stories last night – about my stupid texting habits, my experience in the gym yesterday with a legalistic Pharisee, and God’s work to heal through me. (I married him – I mean, I did his wedding – what were you guys thinking???)
-You guys SLAMMED the mulled cider – we ran out! We gotta make more for next week!

Some big thoughts from the talk:
-Big Idea: We need to allow our experiences to create burdens and passion that reveal our calling as healers.
-We have all hurt other people – it is something that unites us as humans. If you haven’t ever hurt someone, then you have never made a friend or had a relationship.
-Why is it that we so easily accept that we can hurt, but we reject the idea that we are healers? That God can use us in the lives of other people to bring healing?
-People are stumbling over us on their way to Jesus because we are putting burdens on them that we cannot carry ourselves.
-Follow me as I follow Jesus (my take on 1 Cor 11:1 – a bold, brazen claim of Paul). I want to be able to claim this with honesty and humility. (A friend after the service talked to me about how some translations render the verse – “Imitate me as I imitate Jesus”. A great thought – would you be comfortable with someone imitating you? All the parts of your life?)
-A character is nothing but his actions. We all have values, passions. Some of us have mission statements, a sense of purpose. But what are we doing? If we don’t do anything different because we were here tonight, then this was just another talk – it will have little if any consequences.

check out www.maxieburch.net for great content.  Maxie’s site is a portal to a conversation in history and theology.  Maxie’s most recent blog on “there is no golden age” is incredible!  You can also download his history class lectures and course materials to follow along with friends or on your own.

“I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God’s love.”     Henri Nouwen / In The Name Of Jesus

“When we refuse to speak when we know we should, something inside us dies.”
-Goodie Goodloe, site catalyst, Mosaic South Bay

I read this quote over the weekend via the Twitter feeds of several friends.  And I know that feeling – that feeling of “dying” because I squelched what I knew I should say.

When I pulled a punch with a friend because I was afraid of the effect the brutal truth would have.

When I didn’t risk because I doubted that we had the trust to have that conversation.

When I knew I had a chance to help someone see what they were blind to, but I hesitated and the window of time was gone.

I had three hard conversations this morning.  They were hard for different reasons.

-One was risky; it set some things in motion that have scared me for some time.  I sent an email yesterday, the meeting happened today, and the process is now in motion.

-One was tough; it was something I have been talking about but not pulling the trigger with.  I realized that I have been talking a big game, but wussing out.

-One was terrifying; I didn’t want to overwhelm someone who I feel is already weighed down.  I wasn’t trusting or respecting them, and I was creating roadblocks in my mind that didn’t exist in reality.

The first one wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

The second wasn’t as tough as I expected.

The third went as well and encouraging as humanly possible; I was even complimented at the end for the courage it took to throw on the table what I did.  That third person said, “this took a lot of courage”

My response? This morning I didn’t have any courage.  But with each conversation, it got easier.

I think we get courage by being courageous.  One courageous act creates what is necessary for the next.

There is a very good reason that “Do not be afraid” is God’s most common command to Joshua and one of the most common commands of God to His people throughout the Scriptures.

I pray that you speak up today and do something courageous.

Funny story. Dani (my wife for the uninformed) split out of Crash in the middle of Max’s talk Sunday night. Had a wicked headache. I stayed to finish up my stuff – normally last guy in the building. After talking to first-timers, old friends, bagging up my Mac, and making sure stuff got picked up, I turned out the lights and pulled that one door that always sticks.

When I got home, she was feeling a little better – we think she was just dehydrated. She was hungry, so I got stuff out to make a couple quick egg burritos. I threw some bacon on first. Because what good is an egg burrito without sausage of bacon? So, bacon done and on warm tortillas. Now its time for the eggs. So I grab four eggs. Crack em, whisk, and ready. Wait. Cheese!! Almost forgot the cheese. I like to put cheese in my eggs as they cook, so the tasty goodness is woven in.

We had been grocery shopping on Saturday, so we have BRAND NEW grated cheese. but WAIT! I found some cheese that hadnt been used in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. No sense in opening the new bag, this is just enough for our burros. (this would be the place where the audience knows what the character does not) I dump the eggs into the warm, oiled pan and then sprinkle this “newly-discovered” cheese into the yellowness of my eggs. Maybe 30 seconds pass. And as I stand over the eggs, folding and refolding the cooked sections…this…this SMELL rises the 2 feet or so between the pan and my nose…and finally I catch up to what you figured out a few lines back – BAD CHEESE. I mean, BAAAAADDDDD cheese.

What do I do? The smell gets worse as the eggs and cheese cook. I couldn’t take much more, so I turn around wondering “where is the closest garbage can?” I find it, dump the eggs in there and close the lid. I clean out the pan, grab four new eggs and start the process over. Just as I dump the eggs in the clean pan (I told you – they REEKED), I realize something. I CAN STILL SMELL THE EGGS. They smell so bad, the lid on the trashcan – it’s not doing its job. So, I turn down the heat on my eggs, close up the garbage bag and run out to the alley behind our house and get that nastiness out of our house. About 5 minutes later, Dani and I are chowing some ridiculously good egg burros and checking out how our fantasy football team did.

Why the ridiculously long and possibly gross story? Two reasons. One, I blog personal stuff so that people have a chance to get to know me better. I may be a pastor but I am far from perfect and make dumb decisions every day like the rest of the world. Two, I laid in bed that night thinking about that mass of egg and cheese that was festering in the dumpster. Smells leave powerful memories! I wondered, do I have anything in my life that is like that cheese? Something I cut corners with? Something where I am just lazy and pull something out and throw it out there as new? Some place where I am skimping and hoping no one notices? Some place in my life where there is nasty ROTTING cheese that needs to be thrown out that I let fester and even try to share with others close to me?

I would like to hazard a guess as I wrap up this longer-than-normal blog. You got NASTY STINKY CHEESE in your life, just like I do (and DID in my refrigerator). Maybe its an addiction, maybe its some “private” sin (all sin that you think is private will one day have public consequences – just fyi), maybe its some laziness or corner-cutting habit. Get that crap out of the refrigerator, don’t put in the skillet, throw it in the garbage can and get that junk out of your house. Get some help if necessary. If it’s been there for a while (not just a couple of weeks like mine), then you probably need help because you haven’t been able to knock it so far. But there is nothing worse – I PROMISE – nothing worse than the moment when that stench hits you in the face. We all got nasty stinky cheese – let’s find the closest garbage can.